That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
