Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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