mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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