nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
