the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
