She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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