smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Acid is not a monday night drug
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
