My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
