You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
