I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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