Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
