i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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