Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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