well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
