3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
