She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
