He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
