I just saw a hot homeless man
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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