finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
