I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
