24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
