lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
