so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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