Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
