my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
