i jhust puked up my retainher.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
