i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
