I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
