she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
