The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
honey bunches of taint.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
