I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
