he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You were trust falling into bushes
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
