just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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