If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize