Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
