I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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