Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
