Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
