Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
