I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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