OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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