First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
