I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
