CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
