I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
