i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
