I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
