he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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