you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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