Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
