3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
