i would punch a child for taco bell
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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