You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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