How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
