my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
