apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
