Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
