I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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