please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Randomize
