plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
