I wanna passion pit in your ass
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
