I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
