I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
