i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
