i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
