You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
