We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
