I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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